Resolving Issues
by alygator86
Summary: Takes place after The Heart of the Matter. Multiparter. MerDer
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's but I wish I did.

Summary: Takes place after The Heart of the Matter. Multiparter. MerDer

Rating: K, K+

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He wants to marry me. Derek wants to marry me and have kids with me and build a house on his land with me and settle down with me. I should be happy about this. I should be so freakin happy but instead I'm scared. Derek wants to be with me and I want to be with him but I can't. Because Burke left Cristina and because Thatcher chose Lexie and because my mother didn't want me. Seriously, my guy in the bar, the one I was done for wants me and I can't give me to him. I so want to.

_But what if while I'm waiting I meet someone who is ready to give me what I want from you?_

To small, inner, grown up Meredith the speech was perfect to that point. Outer Meredith was freaking out because he's saying these perfect things – the same reason small, inner, grown up Meredith was happy – but what if he meets someone else? Someone who isn't dark and twisty with daddy issues and who gets along with her half sister? That would not be good. Yeah, understatement. For all my problems and all my issues, I need Derek in my left. He was always been there whether I wanted him or now and him being with Addison and sort of but no really being happy was bad enough…if he's happy, happy with someone else? I couldn't handle that.

I know deep down in small, inner, grown up Meredith, that I want to marry him and have kids with him and build a house with him. The problem is, I need to be able to let small, inner, grown up Meredith come out. I need to be able to be with the ridiculously amazing man who I love so much. I need to work on my issues. I don't want to feel the need to fun when Derek tells me he wants to marry me. I want to be ecstatic and tell him I want to marry him too and kiss him in front of everyone in the hospital.

So, the first thing I should do…I think the first thing I need to do is finally accept the idea of Lexie.

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**So in case you didn't notice its first person – that was the best way I could convey what I wanted to. This is just the first part and the next ones will be up soon. I have two other short fics I'm working on as well as Tough Love with Sara, my co-writer (the next part of that will be up soon).**

**Reviews to me are like surgeries to Cristina.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still don't own Grey's.

Thank you all for your reviews. I'm glad you liked part one and I hope you like this part.

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I made a list. A list of my issues. They aren't in any particular order but I'm pretty sure the there are only a few big ones.

1) Accept the idea of Lexie. And Molly.

2) Daddy issues

3) My mother.

I haven't told Derek about the list. I think it should be a surprise sort of. Or maybe I'm just…I don't know. It's been three weeks since I made the list and I have been working with Lexie a lot more. We've been talking and she's a very nice person. Oddly enough, I told her about the list and what I want to do. She thought it was a wonderful idea. She said that she can tell how much Derek loves me, especially when he talks about me.

"I wish I had someone like that," she tells me, "I can see now why you guys call him McDreamy."

I smile, "Yeah. He is very McDreamy."

"You love him so much," she says, "It's in your eyes. The same as Molly when she talks about her husband."

And it happened. I didn't try and change the subject or run away. I, Meredith Grey, was actually interested to see how I may be similar to my half sister and I continued the conversation with Lexie.

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Lexie and I parted with plans to have lunch together and I crossed number one off my list with a smile and put it back in my pucker. But I didn't…

"Meredith," I hear Derek call behind me. He's holding the once folded half sheet of paper, walking towards me.

"Hey," I smile to him.

He smiles back, "You dropped this…and I peeked."

He hands it back to me, "It's a list," I tell him.

"I noticed, accept the idea of Lexie and Molly?" he asks, slightly confused.

I nod, "A few weeks ago I had accepted the presence of Lexie but I decided that I needed to accept the idea of us being related.

He smiles.

"I want a real relationship with you and all those things you said but I can't until I work on these things," I admit to him.

His smile gets bigger, "I'm proud of you, I really am. Do you know how you're going to work on the other two?"

"I figured it could talk to Dr. Webber about my mother but the daddy issues…I'm going to have to talk to him," And I really didn't want to.

"If you want me to go with you for support, let me know, ok?"

He really was amazing.

"I will," I reply.

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It was almost a month since I crossed Lexie and Molly off my list and started getting to know them better. I was finally ready to talk to Dr. Webber. I told him what I was doing this all for and he smiled.

We decided to have lunch together at Joe's. When we got there we made small talk then I got to the point of the matter and I asked him why did my mother treat me like she did.

"Your mother was a strong woman, as you know. She loved you; she just didn't know how to show it. She wanted you to be a great surgeon and you are. I don't want to defend how she treated you sometimes but she wanted to encourage you and wanted you to be the best you could be. Unfortunately she was a surgeon first and a mother second. The day she was lucid she asked me how you were doing and I told her. She was proud of you."

I smile, "When she was lucid she asked me what my life was like and the first thing I told her was that I had a boyfriend who made me happy and she started in on how I was ordinary because I hadn't chose a specialty."

The chief nods, "That was Ellis being Ellis and I wish she was more of a mother to you, maybe you would have turned out differently…just remember what she said to me – that you are anything but ordinary."

I smile and its almost like I can hear her telling me that herself – its weird.

We finish lunch and I head back to the hospital, thinking about what he said. I get on the elevator and who is there? Derek.

"Hey, how was lunch?" he asks.

"It was good. I want to tell you about it. Are you coming over tonight?" I ask, giving him a smile.

"Yeah," he replies.

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That night we sit together on my bed. I sit against the headboard and he sits in front of me.

"I know my mother wasn't the best mother and when I was younger I promised myself that if I ever had kids, they would come first. I wouldn't blow them off for surgery or anything else."

Derek nods.

"She would always tell me I was ordinary and I didn't know why she couldn't hug me and say I was doing great. But the chief said something. He said she was a surgeon first and a mother second and she didn't know how to be a mother."

"Do you think that's true?" he asks.

I think back to my childhood and nod, "I had nannies until I was 14, then I was on my own and she was never home. It took her a week to notice my pink hair."

"The angry pink hair," he said with a smile.

I smile, "Don't ask me how pink can be angry," I pause, "There's something else."

He nods, telling me its ok, go on.

"The chief said that the day she was lucid she asked him how I was doing, as a doctor, and he told her. He told me that she told him I was anything but ordinary. But that's not the strange thing. The strange thing is that I remember her saying that it me before I woke up after I died."

"As a neurosurgeon I'd have to say that seeing your mother while you were…dead," I can tell it's still hard for him to talk about that, "is not possible, but there have been reports of people who have died for a short time to see friends or family members who had passed. If you believe that, then it's entirely possible you saw your mom."

At this point I have tears in my eyes. One falls down my cheek as I look at him. "So dead mommy really is proud of me?"

He gives me the McDreamy look, moves to sit next to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders.

"I think she always was proud of you, Mer," he tells me, "It's very hard not to be."  
"You're biased," I tell him, laying my head on his shoulder.

"She would have been too."

"She drove my father away. I mean he didn't leave because she was loving and nice, right?" I ask rhetorically, "She drove him away and I have intimacy issues that I don't want. But I forgive her, "I look at him again, "Because she did her best, she did all she knew how and I understand."

He smiles at me and kisses my forehead.

"Do you feel ready to cross her off your list?" he asks.

"Yes," I reply and I reach over to the nightstand where a pen and the list lay and I cross my mother off the list.

"There's something else not on the list that I've been doing anyway," I say, resuming my position next to him.

"What's that?" he asks.

"Talking to you. I didn't talk to you before when I should have…about anything."

"You're right and I'm glad you're doing it now. I hope you keep doing it," he tells me.

"I plan to."

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Iiiinteresting. One more chapter. Review and let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy owns me.

Happy Greysday :D

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Avoiding. I have been avoiding talking to my dad for almost a month and I know it. Derek knows it and he's trying to be supportive. Lexie is being supportive, she understands where I'm coming from and I'm not sure but I think she may be a tiny bit mad to him for not trying to contact me for 20 years.

Today I worked with Lexie and Derek. It was a little confusing at first because Lexie and I are both Dr. Grey but Derek finally resorted to first names. Anyway, working with both of them has given me confidence. After work, Derek is coming for moral support and I am going to talk to Thatcher.

I tell Derek to wait in the car and I go up and ring the doorbell. Thatcher opens the door, surprised to see me. We go inside, sit in the living room somewhat far away from one another and I speak.

"I want to know why. Why did you leave us, leave me? Why didn't you call me or fight for me? You left when I was five and chose Lexie and now I have daddy issues which prevent me from being happy and letting Derek love me. So just tell me why?" I demand… or ramble, in pretty much one breath.

Thatcher seems to know that this was coming. I don't know if Lexie tipped him off or what but, he seems to have an answer right away. Surprising.

"She, your mother, was having an affair. I knew, everyone knew. She didn't love me like that anymore and when she asked me to leave, one day I did. It was easier to cat all ties and start over. I'm – I'm so sorry I didn't keep in touch wit you. Your mother moved to Boston and I had no forwarding information. I would have tried to see you if I knew how. I never meant to cause you so much pain."

"Why didn't you take me? When you left?"

"A child belongs with it's mother, Meredith. I thought if you were with Ellis, you would be alright."

"You should have fought for me!" At this point I have tears in my eyes, blurring my vision.

"I'm sorry. I know I messed up. If I could go back…"

"You're a coward and an avoider," I realize, "I'm so like you but I'm working to change. I'm getting to know Lexie and Molly and I got over – for the most part – what my mother did. But believe it or not, you cause more damage. Was I not good enough?"

"You were more than good enough. I love you, you're my daughter. I just messed up and I apologize."

I nod, not really having any more to say.

"Um, I should go, Derek's waiting."

"Oh, Ok."

He walks me to the door and I leave. I get in the passenger side and Derek looks over at me.

"Are you ok?" he asks, softly.

"Not really but I think I will be. Can we go home?"

"Sure."

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We go to the trailer, more privacy to talk, and I tell him what Thatcher told Mer and I cry and he holds me. At some point we're just laying together I need to be in his presence and he just knew that.

"You're amazing and sometimes I don't think I deserve you," I tell him. I know he's not sleeping.

He reaches over and lightly runs his fingers over my jaw.

"You deserve everything. You deserve whatever you want and more," he tells me, quietly, "You've been though a lot in your life, Mer, a lot more than anyone should be through but you're still strong and confidant and amazing and beautiful. If anything, I don't deserve you."

He is amazing. He's amazing and he's been through so much with me and I realize I never told him what happened that caused me to drown.

"I didn't swim," I tell him. It seems random but it's where my thoughts were.

"What?" he's confused.

"During the accident. I did swim. I was swimming and thinking of you, wishing you'd save me and for one moment – with the cold and the fatigue I allowed myself to think about the bad. For one moment I stopped swimming and when I tried to start again it was too late. But I was fighting to come back to you," I'm crying again at this point. Thank god we don't have to work tomorrow – this talking is exhausting, "It was just one stupid moment."

His arms are around me and he's telling me it's ok, that I'm here now, alive and that's all that matters because I'm here. I calm down, my face against his chest, breathing him in.

I pull back and shift so that I'm eye level with him.

"I love you," I tell him, "In that really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window way that makes me hate you, love you."

He's quiet for a minute then says, "Nothing I can say can top that," he chuckles, kissing me softly, "I love you, too, Mer. So much."

I kiss him back. "Tell me what you used to be able to only tell the other Grey."

He gets this huge smile across his face, "I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you, I want to build a house for us and I want to grow old with you and die in your arms at 110 years old."

"I hate to ruin your speech, but I'd like a house before the kids. I want to marry you but in about a year or so if that's ok because I'm not totally cured of my issues and I'd like to have a longish engagement. But don't tell me when you're going to propose. Just do it, because I will say yes."

He chuckles, kissing my nose, and asks, "So, kids?"

"With you, yes. But I can't guarantee not freaking out."

"I can handle it," in the dim light, I can see his McDreamy smile.

"Oh," I remember, teasing, "And as much as you hope, I don't think you'll make it to 110."

He raises his eyebrows, "Is that so?"

I tell him yes and he starts tickling me, which ends in a short make out session.

We lay together later, after we've gotten ready for bed, our arms around each other. We drift off to sleep and I can't help but dream about the life we'll have together – not so dark and twisty Meredith with her McDreamy knight in shining whatever.

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So there you have it. It took some time and some encouragement but Meredith did it and she's going to have her McLife. Hope you enjoyed.


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